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Consider the following:

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-The 10 best-selling drugs generate revenue (or cost consumers, depending on how you look at it) of over $60 Billion per year.

-Lipitor. Nexium. Zocor. Prevacid. Many others.

-Pfizer, Merck, Sanofin-Aventis, and Bristol-Myers are the four largest drug companies. They have a combined market capitalization (shares outstanding x share price; or in plain English - the amount that the market thinks they’re worth) of $455 Billion.

-They spend billions on R&D to create new drugs for old diseases, discover new diseases, and create drugs for those new diseases.

-They spend billions more on lobbyists.

-And they definitely spend billions on advertising in the form of TV commercials and drug reps schmoozing your family doctor so that everyone knows just how badly they need Pro-Ex-Vasa-Zo-Whatever.

-Drugs to put us to sleep, drugs to keep us awake, drugs to treat the recently-discovered malady of Restless Leg Syndrome.

The Cap’n had RLS and EBP

-Yes, you read that correctly - 3 Million years of human existence, and we’re just now getting around to discovering and treating Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS if you choose to attempt to lend it additional credibility by turning it into an acronym; RFS his ownself suffers from EBP, or excessive booger production).

-But be careful if you take these drugs, because if you have (1) high blood pressure, (2) low blood pressure, (3) normal blood pressure, or (4) any of a number of other characteristics; it could result in (a) nausea, (b) vomiting, (c) stroke, (d) seizure, (e) heart attack, (f) memory loss, or (g) erections lasting longer than 4 hours.

-Simple blood tests can determine if you have liver disease. For erections lasting than longer than four hours, consult a physician.

-And just in case you met all of the requirements, have a time machine on standby just in case you took Bextra, Accutane, Celebrex, Vioxx, or any other drugs that were recalled by the FDA for causes of death, blindness, etc.
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By now you’re probably thinking my name is Tom, I have a wife named Katie, I like to dance around my house wearing only underwear and sunglasses, I’m a big fan of L. Ron Hubbard, and I think all drugs are evil.

Only one of those is true (I’m a boxers man, no briefs), and as far as I’m concerned, medication is a personal choice.

My point is this - I think you would be hard-pressed to find any drug discovered in the last 25 years, during the modern era of gigantic drug companies, that had anywhere near the positive effect on the world as the polio vaccine.

Polio crippled and killed hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people… many of them children. When asked if he planned to profit from it or patent it, Jonas Salk had the famous quote:

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“Who owns my polio vaccine? The people! Could you patent the sun?”
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I wonder what would happen today.

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Finally, a project worth the breadth and depth of RFS readers… not to mention another quality submission from RFS Midwestern Bureau Chief Brett “Shooter” McGillicuddy.

Some of you may be familiar with an artist named Jim Croce. He is without a doubt one of my favorite artists, and one of my favorite songs is “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown”.

Ignore the skateboarding part of the video and just listen to the first few seconds or so of Bad Bad Leroy Brown as recorded by Jim Croce (all of the Jim Croce videos were the wrong version of the song, which - as you will hear - don’t count, so that’s why it’s a skateboarding video).

I’ll wait.

Do you hear that “WHOO!!!” about five seconds in? Good.

Now listen to this:

Did you notice a difference? And by difference I mean the renditions of Bad Bad Leroy Brown, not a difference in your pants, which you may or may not have soiled because you were laughing too hard.

Before I go any further, let me just stipulate that (1) I can’t sing worth crap, and (2) this guy clearly has a passion for it. All I’m saying is that his “style” isn’t particularly suited to popular music that has complicated keyboard and percussion parts. So no offense, Mr. Singer of Songs, if you’re reading this.

In fact - congratulations on knowing 100 Million times more than I do about running a website since it took me hours of my time (which means Derrich’s time) just to get the stupid flash player running.

Anyway - check out Singer of Songs and tell us what your favorites are using the comments section. My top 5 are:

5. Bad, Bad Leroy Brown

4. Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me

3. Old Time Rock and Roll

2. Eye of the Tiger

1. Coming in the Air Tonight

Seriously - just imagine watching Rebecca DeMornay in the El Train scene of Risky Business with that version of “Coming in the Air Tonight” in the background.

RFS Shout-Out #2 to you, Mr. Singer of Songs.

Onward and Upward,

RFS

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Some of you may be familiar with the works of Mikhail Baryshnikov, considered by almost everyone to be Russia’s greatest dancer:

And some of you may be familiar with the work of Fred Astaire, whom many people consider America’s (or at the very least, Nebraska’s) greatest dancer:

But I’m betting that you are NOT familiar with Arkansas’ greatest dancer. And just to prove he’s not a one-trick pony like Baryshnikov and Astaire, he’s also currently serving as Arkansas’ Poet Laureate, Chairman Emeritus of the Arkansas General Assembly, and Grand Wizard of the Little Rock Chapter of the Office of Dental Assistance.

Ladies and gentlemen… I give you…

The Right Honourable Bubba Hogg. Hit it, Bubba!

I wish I could have seen the band leader frantically making the “OKAY… LET’S WRAP THIS UP” motion as soon as he started flossing with that flannel.

Many thanks to loyal reader and RFS Midwestern Bureau Chief Brett “Shooter” McGillicuddy*** for bringing this important story to our attention.

One last thing - just in case you ignored the Baryshnikov and Astaire clips, give them a try. I actually tried to pick the shortest ones, and they genuinely are amazing. At the very least, watch a 10 second clip of each before watching Bubba. It’s pretty jarring, isn’t it? Almost like random Phyllis Diller photo insertions in Playboy.

As always, comments, suggestions, and questions can be submitted to aaron@rumblinfumblinstumblin.com (give me a heads up if you send one so I can be sure to check the mailbox).

Peace and Chicken Grease,

RFS

*** - Note - In case you didn’t read RFS Shout-Out #1, all friends, readers, and employees of RFS have the same fictional last name.

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If you’ve seen A Bronx Tale, you probably know who Eddie Mush is. And if you know who Eddie Mush is, you know the story of him betting on a horse called Kryptonite.

I’m not going to explain it here, but suffice it to say that RFS should have been put in da bat-troom with Eddie Mush, JoJo the Whale, and Frankie Coffeecake for the Pickstravaganza performance yesterday. If you liked the movie, enjoy the clip (I couldn’t find one of Eddie Mush at the track).

Anyway - win some, lose some. It’s all a crapshoot against the spread anyway, and as I’ve said before… the spread has no friends.

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Cumulative Prognostication Record: 38-30-4 (56%)

Cumulative Prognostication Net Units: +3
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WHAT I LEARNED THIS WEEKEND IN COLLEGE BASKETBALL:

Pitt was overrated at #2; maybe Aaron Gray should have stayed home with the flu. I respect Wiscy (Missouri State fans should be extremely happy with Wiscy over Pitt) more than I did a week ago.

Very very very nice wins for Bradley and Drake (and by extension the Valley) against Iowa State and Iowa this weekend, even though Iowa State and Iowa are horrrrrrrrible this year. It’s gotta be nice for Dr. Tom to stick it to the Hawkeyes.

Very very very disappointing losses for Northern Iowa and Creighton. Particularly Creighton, who got owned on the road at Fresno State. The Jays might have painted themselves into a corner with their non-con record.

Zaga mystified me. What happened to the guys that played against Texas and Washington? Somebody put Derek Raivio’s picture on a milk carton.

Missouri State is ready to make some noise - a 20 point win at home against a feisty Indy State squad. Bring on the Valley regular season.

I’m not sure what to make of Southern Illy. As usual, they turn in a spectacular defensive performance at Indiana but looked pretty crappy on the offensive end. They fell apart after Mullins got in foul trouble and Tatum was forced to run the point (by the way - I’m retracting my “close second to Raivio” praise for Mullins from a couple of weeks ago; maybe in a couple of years, but not this season).

However, I think that it might say more about Indiana than it does about the Salukis. As Jay Bilas correctly pointed out - the Salukis see great D in practice every day. So Indiana must really have their stuff together on that end to force 20+ turnovers. There were definitely some bad decisions by SIU, but IU showed me something. If they can show some consistency, I think they’ll end up better than expected in the Big Ten.

I realize that LSU was running away with the game against Oregon State, but I have to wonder if they really want Big Baby shooting 15 and 20-foot jumpers as a standard part of their game plan.

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This one goes out to official RFS Weatherman Mikey “Weather Channel” McGillicuddy.

***NOTE - In order to maintain privacy, all friends of RFS have the same fictional last name.***

Just to give you a little background, here are the important parts of Mikey’s biography:

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- A talented wrestler, Mikey McGillicuddy has been known to outrun trains, leap tall buildings in a single bound, drink an entire carton of Pall Malls, and smoke two quarts of whiskey.

- Yes, you read that last part correctly.

- The name on his birth certificate isn’t Mikey McGillicuddy… it’s Badass Mofo McGillicuddy.

- The doctor and nurses who birthed him are still his indentured servants.

- Shortly before losing his virginity, he announced to his girlfriend that

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“We have a high pressure system moving through the South, resulting in a 50% chance of your mom walking in, a 95% chance of ecstasy… and hailstones the size of Wichita. Wait. Scratch that last part.”
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-In 1994, he defeated Willard Scott in a battle of wits by making Willard’s head explode during a scholarly explanation of osmotic dehydration, surface albedo, and relative humidity.

- He is responsible for over 30% of weather station maintenance in the United States.

- He is responsible for over 60% of weather station drunken maintenance errors in the United States.

- He is responsible for over 90% of weather station electronic malfunctions due to urination in the United States.

- Double all of those statistics if you want to know about his involvement in Central America.

- In order to better serve the community, in 2003 he had his genitalia modified.

- In case you’re curious, he now has a weather vane and two tornado warning sirens “down there”.

- In case you’re more curious, I’ve attached a picture of weather vane.

- The weather vane is not shown to scale.

- Mikey asked me personally to add that last item.

- And in case you’re even MORE curious, the warning sirens sound like the horn on the General Lee (see video below for a clip of what it sounds like when he pees):

- Due to his lack of control over when the sirens go off, he is no longer allowed to (1) volunteer in hospitals, (2) conduct diagnostic sleep exams, or (3) be a porn star.

- The only exception to the above was his role in The F**ks of Hazzard. I can’t go into detail… but stunt chicks were required.
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So - in honor of Mikey’s long-standing service and readership… he is presented with the inaugural RFS Shout-Out Trophy! Congratulations, Mikey!

As a reward, see below for video of the most jacked-up weatherman I’ve ever seen in my life. He was later fired for his drug habit. Gee. I wonder how they figured that out.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU TALKIN’ TO!?!?!?!”

What a coincidence - that’s how I answer my phone!

See the next feature on him for some good footage and ideas for next Halloween:

Merry Christmas, guys! Sorry I couldn’t make it to the party!

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