RumblinFumblinStumblin.com

The more you eat, the more you… pray?

Since it’s New Year’s Eve and everybody’s celebrating and otherwise whooping it up, I’ve decided to nominate the Honorable Reverend Robert Tilton as RFS’ official noisemaker.

This video is an oldie but a goodie, and it also serves as a litmus test for RFS readers.

In other words, if you do not find this amusing, you:

a) are unconscious, or

b) have a sense of humor that has developed beyond that of a 12 year old boy.

In either case, you should not be reading RFS.

Anyhoo, here’s the clip (***WARNING*** - there’s no profanity or nudity, but make sure the volume is adjusted if you’re in sensitive surroundings).

The facial expression and maniacal laugh at :30 is my favorite. Make sure you watch that one twice:

The editing/timing on that was just out-dad-gum-standing. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t have a whole lot of patience with televangelists bilking bedridden, desperate, or otherwise downtrodden people out of their money.

Bottom line - if you can watch that (especially after a couple of liquid refreshments) without chuckling, giggling, laughing, or shedding tears… this is all I have to say to you:

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RFS Reader, you’re nothing to me now. You’re not a brother, you’re not a reader, you’re not a friend. I don’t want to know you or what you do. I don’t want to see you in the Comments section, I don’t want you near my domain name. When you look at Derrich.com, I want to know a day in advance, so I won’t be there. You understand?

I know it was you, RFS Reader. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!
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Much to your relief, I will refrain from kissing RFS traitors on the mouth unless you send me a picture and a recent blood test. All applicants must pass the following:

RFS Hepatitis Test (negative)

RFS Uterus Test (positive)

RFS Chromosome Test (46’s only).

Okay, maybe there’s some wiggle room on the first and the third. But don’t test me. Especially on the third one - I don’t want 4-H coming after my arse (again).

Back to the topic at hand - there’s plenty of these videos on YouTube, so I’ll only post one more. Make sure to notice him speaking in tongues at 1:48:

So… I think I can sum it up best by paraphrasing a well-known Christmas carol:

RFS wishes you a Merry Christmas
RFS wishes you a Merry Christmas
RFS wishes you a Merry Christmas
And a

POO-BA-BA-KAN-DA!!!!

Onward and Upward,

RFS

PS - Drive safe and remember… it’s Amateur Night.

Popularity: 46% [?]

Finally, a project worth the breadth and depth of RFS readers… not to mention another quality submission from RFS Midwestern Bureau Chief Brett “Shooter” McGillicuddy.

Some of you may be familiar with an artist named Jim Croce. He is without a doubt one of my favorite artists, and one of my favorite songs is “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown”.

Ignore the skateboarding part of the video and just listen to the first few seconds or so of Bad Bad Leroy Brown as recorded by Jim Croce (all of the Jim Croce videos were the wrong version of the song, which - as you will hear - don’t count, so that’s why it’s a skateboarding video).

I’ll wait.

Do you hear that “WHOO!!!” about five seconds in? Good.

Now listen to this:

Did you notice a difference? And by difference I mean the renditions of Bad Bad Leroy Brown, not a difference in your pants, which you may or may not have soiled because you were laughing too hard.

Before I go any further, let me just stipulate that (1) I can’t sing worth crap, and (2) this guy clearly has a passion for it. All I’m saying is that his “style” isn’t particularly suited to popular music that has complicated keyboard and percussion parts. So no offense, Mr. Singer of Songs, if you’re reading this.

In fact - congratulations on knowing 100 Million times more than I do about running a website since it took me hours of my time (which means Derrich’s time) just to get the stupid flash player running.

Anyway - check out Singer of Songs and tell us what your favorites are using the comments section. My top 5 are:

5. Bad, Bad Leroy Brown

4. Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me

3. Old Time Rock and Roll

2. Eye of the Tiger

1. Coming in the Air Tonight

Seriously - just imagine watching Rebecca DeMornay in the El Train scene of Risky Business with that version of “Coming in the Air Tonight” in the background.

RFS Shout-Out #2 to you, Mr. Singer of Songs.

Onward and Upward,

RFS

Popularity: 12% [?]

Some of you may be familiar with the works of Mikhail Baryshnikov, considered by almost everyone to be Russia’s greatest dancer:

And some of you may be familiar with the work of Fred Astaire, whom many people consider America’s (or at the very least, Nebraska’s) greatest dancer:

But I’m betting that you are NOT familiar with Arkansas’ greatest dancer. And just to prove he’s not a one-trick pony like Baryshnikov and Astaire, he’s also currently serving as Arkansas’ Poet Laureate, Chairman Emeritus of the Arkansas General Assembly, and Grand Wizard of the Little Rock Chapter of the Office of Dental Assistance.

Ladies and gentlemen… I give you…

The Right Honourable Bubba Hogg. Hit it, Bubba!

I wish I could have seen the band leader frantically making the “OKAY… LET’S WRAP THIS UP” motion as soon as he started flossing with that flannel.

Many thanks to loyal reader and RFS Midwestern Bureau Chief Brett “Shooter” McGillicuddy*** for bringing this important story to our attention.

One last thing - just in case you ignored the Baryshnikov and Astaire clips, give them a try. I actually tried to pick the shortest ones, and they genuinely are amazing. At the very least, watch a 10 second clip of each before watching Bubba. It’s pretty jarring, isn’t it? Almost like random Phyllis Diller photo insertions in Playboy.

As always, comments, suggestions, and questions can be submitted to aaron@rumblinfumblinstumblin.com (give me a heads up if you send one so I can be sure to check the mailbox).

Peace and Chicken Grease,

RFS

*** - Note - In case you didn’t read RFS Shout-Out #1, all friends, readers, and employees of RFS have the same fictional last name.

Popularity: 8% [?]

This one goes out to official RFS Weatherman Mikey “Weather Channel” McGillicuddy.

***NOTE - In order to maintain privacy, all friends of RFS have the same fictional last name.***

Just to give you a little background, here are the important parts of Mikey’s biography:

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- A talented wrestler, Mikey McGillicuddy has been known to outrun trains, leap tall buildings in a single bound, drink an entire carton of Pall Malls, and smoke two quarts of whiskey.

- Yes, you read that last part correctly.

- The name on his birth certificate isn’t Mikey McGillicuddy… it’s Badass Mofo McGillicuddy.

- The doctor and nurses who birthed him are still his indentured servants.

- Shortly before losing his virginity, he announced to his girlfriend that

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“We have a high pressure system moving through the South, resulting in a 50% chance of your mom walking in, a 95% chance of ecstasy… and hailstones the size of Wichita. Wait. Scratch that last part.”
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-In 1994, he defeated Willard Scott in a battle of wits by making Willard’s head explode during a scholarly explanation of osmotic dehydration, surface albedo, and relative humidity.

- He is responsible for over 30% of weather station maintenance in the United States.

- He is responsible for over 60% of weather station drunken maintenance errors in the United States.

- He is responsible for over 90% of weather station electronic malfunctions due to urination in the United States.

- Double all of those statistics if you want to know about his involvement in Central America.

- In order to better serve the community, in 2003 he had his genitalia modified.

- In case you’re curious, he now has a weather vane and two tornado warning sirens “down there”.

- In case you’re more curious, I’ve attached a picture of weather vane.

- The weather vane is not shown to scale.

- Mikey asked me personally to add that last item.

- And in case you’re even MORE curious, the warning sirens sound like the horn on the General Lee (see video below for a clip of what it sounds like when he pees):

- Due to his lack of control over when the sirens go off, he is no longer allowed to (1) volunteer in hospitals, (2) conduct diagnostic sleep exams, or (3) be a porn star.

- The only exception to the above was his role in The F**ks of Hazzard. I can’t go into detail… but stunt chicks were required.
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So - in honor of Mikey’s long-standing service and readership… he is presented with the inaugural RFS Shout-Out Trophy! Congratulations, Mikey!

As a reward, see below for video of the most jacked-up weatherman I’ve ever seen in my life. He was later fired for his drug habit. Gee. I wonder how they figured that out.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU TALKIN’ TO!?!?!?!”

What a coincidence - that’s how I answer my phone!

See the next feature on him for some good footage and ideas for next Halloween:

Merry Christmas, guys! Sorry I couldn’t make it to the party!

Popularity: 10% [?]

It’s a little known fact that television programs are planned years in advance. I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy at Nielsen, the TV ratings people. He was able to give me a copy of the ratings 10 years from now, so I can break it on RFS.com and let everybody know what’s in store. I hope you’re looking forward to these as much as I am:

Popularity: 6% [?]